Dear Lauren,

The image of a young girl gazing at the deep summer sky, absorbed in contemplation, and sprinkling her sparklers to the chilly and quiet air is on my mind right now. I feel like being that little girl. The gleam of light wanders with my most sincere thoughts, and I’d like them to go to you. 

I like many short ballet variation pieces here and there I’ve gathered on the internet. Then I often find it difficult to embrace the full storylines: why would a smart lovely girl die out of heartbreak in her best age? What is beautiful about giving youth and life to betrayal? Isn’t there also resilience and wisdom we can also utilize and walk away with?

See, my modern professional woman ego swiftly took over and effortlessly proposed life guidance to Giselle and Odette’s agony.

And I have been riding on this well-equipped, work and life skill-focused mind since I started ballet–it hasn’t been that long, you’d remember, as I did my first classes with you. It has been not easy, but I’m cheerful–seeing challenges and having solutions ready keeps me going.

Here I am, cannot remember how but find myself at the deepest and darkest place, shockingly after the very best time I ever had when I saw you in Vail just several weeks ago. It happened so fast, that I feel like seized by a witch, teleported from the shiny mountain peak to this cold sea bottom in a split of second. There was no falling down. Before I knew, I had collapsed to the empty studio parking lot concrete ground, sobbing unconsolably and feeling I have been heading towards a deadend in oblivious the whole time.  

That moment, I heard hopes shattered and watched them evaporated into the thick, humid air around me, like little mermaid dissolving into sea foam upon the waves. I’m drowning and have lost the will to reach for air.

Briefly I hoped for a single heroic act, from anyone, to pick me up from the water and save me. But mostly I felt how slow a second and minute was passing, and I was there alone. Thoughts are surging, and in the midst of chaos a few also became clearer than ever. They are about pain and love, and how violently I’m experiencing them.

I have nothing but tears for Giselle and Odette. No solution or a different way of thinking is needed. The one and only authentic way to love was done, and pain follows. I wouldn’t want to change how true and sincere I love and give all I have, because of the pain.

Sharing this with you, for the many Giselles I’ve seen you dancing. I embrace the whole piece now, and I like how I started with loving a glimpse of it and ending with loving it all with sorrow and pain.

Best,